Just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean you’re an unhappy idiot.

I mother effing hate this commercial. Actually, you know what? I hate this commercial so much that I’m going to go PG-13 and say that I MOTHER FUCKING HATE THIS COMMERCIAL. Okay, just watch:

I see this commercial multiple times a day when I’m watching Hulu [because I’ve run out of things to watch on Netflix, and frankly, I’m sick of pressing that “continue playing” button after every 3 episodes. I’ll tell you when I’m done watching by TURNING YOU OFF like how we did back in the day, in the early 2000s], and I cringe every single time it’s on because it’s just wrong.

First, just because her sister is married and has a baby, that doesn’t mean she’s living “happily ever after”. In fact, now that she’s married, has realised that she is legally bound to a man who seems to believe that urine belongs in the toilet bowl and/or its vicinity and has had her vagina Hiroshima-d by his spawn with equally bad aim, she’s probably regretting having super supportive girlfriends who lied said that online dating doesn’t have a stigma anymore and told her:

Second, let’s revisit this part of the commercial:

Giant Douche: “And she’s living happily ever after, and you’ve never really considered trying Match.”

Cornered timid lady, awkwardly laughing and fidgeting with discomfort: “Sounds kind of silly now.”

Giant Douche: “Well, you said it, not me.”

Translation:

[On a side note, how cute was Zack Morris? Seriously, I don’t even care that he’s doing a now socially-detested retard gesture. I’d go retard just to get his attention. But not full retard. Never go full retard.]

So what? She should go on Match so that she can get matched to a Ryan Seacrest-haired, last season’s pea coat-wearing God’s booby prize to women like you?

In fact, if I was a Match subscriber [and I’m not since I’m married and “living happily ever after” cleaning my husband’s pee off the toilet], I would immediately unsubscribe after seeing this commercial [and doing one last search for matches, you know just to be sure].

Honestly, I don’t even know how this was approved by Match’s marketing team. Oh wait, I know how:

Match’s Marketing Executives

Meanwhile, the female actress is like:

I find this commercial incredibly disrespectful and demeaning because it is effectively saying that if you’re a single woman who is not actively looking for a partner, then you’re an idiot because you’re not going to have a happy life. And as a married woman who was recently a single woman actively looking for a partner, I completely disagree with this proposition because I am not any happier now than I was when I was single [sorry, honey, but you know this already as I’ve made it clear to you. I mean, that yolk in your sunny-side up egg didn’t just pop on its own].

Marriage has its own problems, and when you go from “single” to “married”, you’re not getting an upgrade. No, you’re doing a TRADE-IN. So yes, you might no longer have those squeaky brakes, but you know what you do have now? IN-LAWS.

I’m not going to preach some “The Secret” self-help bullshit and tell you that “happiness is something that you will find after you discover inner peace and love yourself” [and giving birth is like squirting flowers]. I’m sure this is true [not the giving birth part because I heard that’s a biiiiitch], but what I do know is that there is no quick fix or one answer to achieving happiness. It sure as hell won’t be in your bank account after you’ve shelled out $50,000 on a wedding with those out-of-season flower arrangements that NO ONE WILL EVER REMEMBER.

No, happiness is an ever-changing, subjectively determined experience that ANYONE can have regardless of your marital status. 

So to Match and anyone else who thinks that only married people can be happy:

Meanwhile, the single girl’s got her Macy’s delivery and is all like: