A ghetto Asian’s hotel struggles

So my husband was going on a work trip to California, and I decided to tag along because well, why sit around in my PJs at home?

When I can sit around in my PJs in a hotel… with free cable and air-conditioning?

[And yes, that’s another pair of towel-like Korean PJs from my mom. She expresses her love by buying me absorbent clothes.]

Growing up, my dad really loved going on family road trips, and we would go on several trips a year to Las Vegas, Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco etc. However, being a low-income class household, we couldn’t afford to stay in fancy resorts, hotels or any place that didn’t look like someone was definitely murdered there or like the set of a 70s porno.

No, we would usually stay at motels, motor inns or if we’re really going all out, playfully themed places like Circus Circus.

[Because what kid doesn’t want to sleep in a giant tent filled with murderous-looking clowns and their social outcast circus friends?] 

Also, we would never eat out at restaurants during these trips. Instead, half of our car would be jam-packed with:

1. a box of instant noodles;
2. a rice cooker;
3. a bag of rice; and
4. a giant cooler filled with a whole bunch of Korean side dishes that my mom stayed up the night before making. [This is why Koreans invented kimchi – because that shit will NEVER GO OFF. And if you think it tastes off, then you’re a bad Asian or a racist.] 

Now as an adult who can afford the finer things in life like bottled water and brand name toilet paper, staying at hotels is quite a confusing and trying experience because it brings out two very different and conflicting sides of me:

1. The classy, rich white person side who is trying to have that hotel life I didn’t have growing up [“Hi, room service? Yeah, could I please order the eggs benedict and a mimosa?”].

VS

2. The ghetto, cheap Asian side who is trying to stay true to her upbringing [“Hi, front desk? Yeah, so is this bottle of water complimentary or…? Oh ok, and does the mini bar have a sensor..?], or the Ross side of me.

[Because you will recall, Ross is Jewish – the Asians of the white people.]

Case in point, here are some examples of my hotel struggles:

Classy: Let’s get up early and go to the hotel breakfast.

Ghetto Asian: And bring back as much food as we can hide in our bags.

[Yes, those raw oats will cook just fine in our rice cooker.]

Classy: I’m going to take a shower and just hang out in the hotel-provided robe like this is something we Asians normally do [and not something we think white people do].

[Oh and show a little leg while I’m at it… even though there is no one else in the room because that’s how you wear robes, right? All sexy-like?]

Ghetto Asian: But before I do that, let me hang my hand-washed undies.

[And you know you’re staying in a classy place when the coat hangers come off the rack.]

Classy: Honey, can you get us some ice and use those little tongs to put ice in my water, one by one?

Ghetto Asian: While you do that, I’ll make us some lunch with all of the leftovers we’ve collected and the food we bought at Target on the way here and took from breakfast.

Classy: Do they have any bottled water in here?

Ghetto Asian: $4 fucking dollars??!!

Classy: I’m not sure if this is going to be enough pillows, and they don’t look like they were fluffed properly. Honey, can you call housekeeping and get them to redo the bed?

Ghetto Asian: Could you also get them to bring up ALL THE COMPLIMENTARY THINGS?

[The hairdryer is complimentary too, right? I mean, why else would they give us one that’s so easy to put in our suitcase?]

Ghetto Asian: I’m going to take this tiny pencil too even though I haven’t used a pencil since the 6th grade. It’ll go nicely with my IKEA pencil collection.

Classy: Okay, now that I have a blog post idea, I’m going to start writing it in bed while looking out at the sunset, Carrie Bradshaw-style.

Ghetto Asian: But first, leftover egg noodles.

Note: All of the above hotel pictures are actual photos I took during my trip, except the one of the hotel breakfast. That shit was $25 per person, yo.