I’m not passive aggressive. I’m just Asian.

A few years ago, I was having problems with a co-worker, largely due to the fact that she was a bitch we had different working styles, and it got to a point where my boss asked me out for a coffee to discuss the issue. During our talk, I told him about my interactions with my co-worker – how whenever we had different views on something, she would act in a defensive and hostile manner whereas I would normally either agree to whatever stupid-ass view she had or just not say anything.

While my boss was understanding, he suggested that I change my approach because maybe my actions were coming across as “passive aggressive”, and this totally caught me off guard. Up until that point, I had never thought of myself as passive aggressive. In fact, I thought that I was being respectful.

Then it clicked.

Growing up as an Asian, you learn from being told by your parents [and grandparents, aunts, uncles and people you call “auntie” but you have no idea how they are related to you], from watching how other Asians behave and through osmosis [like seriously, some stuff you’re expected to JUST KNOW] that you should respect:

1. people who are older than you;
2. people who outrank you [for women, this includes your husband because penis > vagina (though not necessarily by size)]; and
3. anyone who’s not Asian, excluding those who are darker than a fortune cookie (unless they’re rich or that’s just a tan).

And being respectful means:

1. biting your tongue and not talking back;
2. agreeing even though you know they are completely wrong or stupid [“I agree – the formatting issue with this document is definitely urgent enough to call a meeting at 4.30pm on a Friday.”]; and
3. saying yes to things you don’t want to do and/or are absolutely unreasonable [“Yes, of course I can review all of Australia’s aviation law and have a 2-page summary on your desk by tomorrow morning.” True story.].

For instance, if your husband complains how the bulgogi you made for dinner tonight hasn’t been seasoned properly, though you’re really thinking:

in reality, you have 4 options:

1. You apologise because even though you made it exactly the same way as you did last time [and the 23 times before that], you must have done something wrong.

2. You stay silent [and continue to quietly die inside].

3. You go remake that shit since, as an Asian, you have an extra 4 kilos of meat in the fridge anyway.

4. You go kill yourself because you have not fulfilled your duties as a wife and have hence brought great shame onto your family.

And if you look at these options, all of them are actually passive aggressive behaviour [especially the suicide one]. Because for a white person, there is a scandalous and downright outrageous 5^th option:

5. You stand up for yourself.

This doesn’t mean you chuck a psycho and start throwing kimchi everywhere [because that’s a smell you will never get out of the carpet, no matter how much you Frebreze it]. No, it means you calmly express your disagreement, provide your point of view and suggest a remedy, such as:

Of course, to that, us Asians would be like:

[Because we Asians like to pretend that we’re black sometimes. Unless we’re around actual black people, then we still pretend that we’re black but quietly pray to ourselves that we don’t get shot because, you know, all black people are in gangs.]

Following the talk with my boss, I began reassessing my behaviour and realised that so many of the things I did at work were, in fact, very passive aggressive.

For example, when I don’t like the person that I’m emailing or if I’m pissed off with the work I’m doing for them, instead of signing off with “Kind regards” as I normally do, I just write “Regards”. Then after I press send, I’m like:

[Again, pretending to be black]

After I came to this realisation, I decided to write the following email to my co-worker:

Look, I don’t want to kill myself, alright?